Recently the ever-enthralling technology world has been abuzz with rumors that Apple is going to introduce some kind of vaguely tablet-shaped computing-type device. Tablet computers have existed for a while now, although you’d be forgiven for having no idea; they haven’t turned out to be very popular. (This despite Bill Gates’ 2001 claim that “in five years, [tablet PCs] will be the most popular form of PC sold in America,” a prediction only slightly less incorrect than the 1959 Postmaster General’s announcement that in the near future, all U.S. mail would be delivered by rockets.) So, if these kinds of devices have all been failures, what makes people think Apple’s attempt would be any different? It must be something really exciting, right? Like, maybe it will show video in 3D! Or maybe it’ll cost ten dollars and have a battery that lasts for seventeen years! Or maybe you’ll even be able to have sex with it!

Or maybe everyone will be super excited about something much, much lamer: using it to read.

That’s right—word on the street is that this mythical unicorn of an Apple device will quote-unquote “revolutionize reading” the same way the iPod quote-unquote “revolutionized music.” But wait, you say: didn’t Apple CEO Steve Jobs say only three years ago that digital readers like the Kindle were doomed to be failures because “people don’t read anymore?” Well, yes, he did. But apparently he’s changed his mind, as HarperCollins and the New York Times have both been reported to be in negotiations with Apple. Plus, there was that awesome digitized Sports Illustrated demo designed for “an unknown future tablet device.”

There’s still a lot more questions than answers about this thing. Will it be called the iSlate? The iTablet? The iPad? Does anyone at Apple realize that “iPad” sounds like a tampon? Will it have a 6-inch screen? 8 inches? 10 inches? Isn’t it less about the size and more about how you use it? Stupidly-named electronics site Gizmodo has an exhaustive rumor roundup that I attempted to read but quickly got bored with, since it’s full of impenetrable tech jargon and weird diagrams of people with disturbingly warped hands.

So, the Apple Tablet: gallant savior of magazines and books, leading them fearlessly into the digital age like a modern-day Ponce de Léon? Or just a last, desperate gasp of air from the dying old man that is print media?

Apple’s scheduled an announcement for January 27, a day when they’ll be sure to dominate the news cycle since there’s nothing else of any importance going on. So I guess we’ll find out then. In the meantime, I leave you with this: the crazy-ass Japanese version of one of those “Get A Mac” commercials:

by Max Nussenbaum