O'Neill, winning.

One of Wesleyan’s top athletes is in dire trouble. Meet Rory O’Neill, freshman soccer player and future All-American. Rory, coming from a presidentially childish school like Sidwell Friends, understands what it’s like to be the top gun. “Being a freak athlete is hard,” he reveals. Rory demonstrated his athletic prowess all through the fall, as this, un-recruited, D-I switcherooer used his lanky yet Lebron-like coordination to fill in for the present, fellow ginger, Canadian born All-American, Woody Redpath when he became winded. Redpath, or course, plays hockey as well.

But enough about this background information; we are in crisis. Today is February, 27. This means we still have a whopping seven weeks of school left. Here’s the problem; O’Neill only has 60 points left on his Wescard. I know, all is lost you might assume. Not only will one of our rising stars be left to pick and choose ‘Wings and Late Night trips, like a middle-aged woman who just joined Weightwatchers, but all of his hard work in the weightroom will be for not. How can he expect to build upon is  scantily clad 6’ 3” frame?

There are definitely a few options he can take. Although, points are the ideal currency at these venues, they are not the only one accepted. O’Neill could decide to potentially use Middletown Cash, USD or even the Euro considering the dollars’ weak value lately. He could also submit to the system that left him in this dilemma and make the hadj to Usdan from his distant Butt B residence. This would allow him to use meals freely, which he does have a lot of due to his, patriotic, insistence on a daily breakfast. Thirdly, he could try to cheat the system, a common tactic these days, most recently employed by Tiger Woods as he tried to wiggle his way around the constraints of matrimony. This is a last resort however, as O’Neill actually was caught sneaking in three consecutive time at Usdan last week within the span of ten minutes; a humbling experience.

Rory will need to come up with a strategy fast, as he routinely denies himself much needed calories and friends when turning down trips to WesWings due to, “I got no points dog!” A legend so far for sure, he’ll only be able to keep his rep up if deals with this head on and not like FEMA. Once, this calamity is over he will be able to go back to dominating the ‘CAC as well as Freeman pick-up basketball.