More than any other genre of music, horrible rap songs are always both cringe-worthy and highly entertaining. The form/delivery of rap music lends itself to lyrical and rhythmic train-wrecks. If coupled with a terrible or cheesy video, dreadful rap songs can rapidly become YouTube gold.
My buddy Ethan Young (who will be referred to as Eyo from now on) and I went on a quest last week to discover the worst (but kind of the best) rap songs. The only real rule we made was that the song could not be purposefully funny or bad. Songs such as “Smell Yo Dick” and “Get U Wet” were omitted due to the transparent intentionality of their lewdness and badness. The sincerity was necessary for Eyo and my schadenfreude.
Without further adieu, here we go!!!
10. This first rapper, known as ILL Mitch, has one of the best websites I’ve ever seen. I will quote from it verbatim, “Hello rap fans, my name is ILL Mitch. I come from Russia to America now I am free to do three favorite things. These are rap and ride on my skateboard and hit my boxing bag. But most favorite thing is rap.” Just like, ’nuff said.
We have a suspicion that ILL Mitch might be in on the joke, so he’s being placed at the top of the list. That said, omitting him just didn’t feel right.
9. Next on our list is Speak (the Hungarian Rapper) who “don’t wanna war” in this well-intentioned but ridiculously inarticulate video about pacifism and stuff. Highlight: The chorus that was probably made using Google translation.
8. This next video is by a rapper called Bangs who hails from Sudan. This video has rapidly become somewhat of an internet cult classic due to its charismatic MCs vivid description of his ideal date with a certain someone. “Take U To Da Movies” also has a sweet music video (with notable production values) in which Bangs demonstrates his exceptional command of rap culture.
7. This isn’t really a rap “song” but a rap battle. However, its the most awkward, bizarre, and confusing rap battle ever. It starts off kind of unremarkable (still funny, just not super special), but gets increasingly bewildering as the challenger, Eli, unveils his game face.
6. Here we have Southwestern Airlines’ miserable attempt to access the youth market. What freaking teenager is going to watch a ten minute video meticulously describing every department of SWA with horrible verses. In general, the whole thing just comes across as really…white.
5. Starting off the final 5 is Mini Daddy. Again, not really a rap song (it’s kiddie reggeaton), but I figured he’s kind of rapping. I have no idea what he’s saying, but I really hope nothing sexual is going on between him and the background dancers. In any case, despite being a pudgy pre-teen, he has way more swagger than Justin Bieber (and probably does better with the ladies).
4. “It’s So Cold In The D” describes a tragic tale of love and loss in Detroit. However the message gets lost in the videos silly editing (such as a cut from a guy who committed suicide to a Mercedes Benz) and the fact that the refrain randomly kicks in about a zillion times.
But I can’t lie, its stuck in my head right now.
3. This next song is by the unbelievably irritating Insane Clown Posse. This is not technically the worst rap song on the list, but it gets a high spot due the fact that ICP is bafflingly successful while making laughably bad music. In this song, ICP takes a moment to acknowledge the wonders of the world. They keep it real while informing their throngs of juggalos of the myriad “miracles” that surround us. Many of these “miracles” have a lot to do with physics. Eyo’s favorite line in this song is, “Water, Fire, Air, and Dirt. Fuckin’ magnets, how do they work?”
2. Let me introduce you all to RAE2THEMOTHERFUCKEND. You have to type his name out in capital letters. It’s just about the best musical disaster I have ever seen. The fact alone that at some point, a sound producer put a shit load of auto-tune on everything and went, “This is finished,” makes me laugh. I mean, I don’t know where to start. How about the fact that the music and lyrics are completely estranged from each other and that he is both tone and rhythm deaf? Yeah that’s a good place.
The music video also has like, a lot of sun in your eyes, which is something no one enjoys.
1. If you watched the last video, you would know that RAE2THEMOTHERFUCKEND could not NOT get the number 1 spot. He’s just that amazingly bad. This video was almost too much for my mind to handle the first time I saw it. It has a way-too-long cheesy intro part and then later there are these completely random outbursts of autotune that raise his voice several octaves and boggle the mind. I spent most of the first viewing with my head tilted slightly sideways and a curious frown.
That was the only time in my life that something was literally so funny I forgot to laugh.
Well that concludes this epic countdown!
I hope you enjoyed reading this list as much as Eyo and I enjoyed making it.